One minute you are floating happily above it all. The next, you find yourself thrashing frantically to reach the surface. What happened? Who or what knocked you down? It doesn’t matter. You are drowning with no help in site. The waves pull you under threatening to literally drown the life out of you. What exactly am I referring to? Grief. A casual glance of the word leaves it seeming harmless. To those encountering it, the experience is much different. At its most defining moment it feels like someone has dropped you in the middle of an ocean. No lifejacket. No hope. You feel alone.
As men, our solution is ball it up, shove it away, and not deal with it. If we hide it, it’s not really there. Right? Wrong! I know because I’ve experienced it. I’ve lost family members and friends I loved dearly. I’ve received the negative prognosis from the doctors. One of my darkest days was the moment I was informed by the doctor my wife and I would not be able to conceive a child naturally or even with the help of current technologies. How can a child not even physically conceived yet leave such a void? Because that very child was conceived mentally and spiritually as I knew they were a promise given to me from God. I had already taught ‘him’ how to play baseball and protect his sister. I had already danced with ‘her’ at our first Father/Daughter banquet and we had sat down for ‘tea time’ on multiple occasions in my mind. Though I had not physically touched my children those hopes and dreams still burned strong in my heart and mind.
Denying feelings and hiding them away only makes matters worse. I’m not a psychiatrist but I know hidden frustrations spill out. Biting comments leave those around you, especially those closest to you, feeling just as bad as you do. My inability to express those feelings to my wife left her feeling just as lonely. The same venom eating me alive now becomes the venom I spread.
Men like to fix things– but some things can’t be fixed. But, the One who can has been referred to as the ‘Great Physician.’ I know, you don’t want to pray. I’ve been there too. Do it anyway. I know, you don’t want to allow yourself to cry, get mad, or show any emotion for that matter. Do it anyway. You can’t move on until you have. We like to write our own stories. In this instance someone took the pencil from your hand and began placing periods where you never wanted them placed. Thankfully, our Heavenly Father is waiting to reclaim that pencil, erase the period, and place a comma instead. As long as you have God leading you it’s never the end, only the beginning.
Grief leaves us all feeling helpless. It seems odd but, feeling helpless is a good place to be. When we finally back away God steps in and works out the details. In his darkest hour the author of Psalms 119 states the following, “My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” Comfort can be found in suffering? Yep. He’s never left nor forsaken you. Did God promise you a family when the doctors said it’s impossible? It’s done! If he promised it He’s obligated to do it. Did God promise you your children would be saved? It’s done! Did God promise those chains of addiction would be broken? It’s done! I don’t know the shape, size, or package it will come in but I know He’s not a liar. If God said it he will do it!
Hebrews 12:1 reminds us, “let us throw off everything that hinders [this includes your broken dreams, frustrations, hurts, etc] and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” You simply run the race and let Him work out the details. Stand back and watch God move on your behalf. He will do what He said He will do. How do I know? I have two beautiful babies I hug and kiss every night at bedtime. They may not be biologically mine but they are still mine because they were conceived and birthed from my heart. They are my promise. Write your plans in pencil– and give Him the eraser.