My goal for my life and this blog have always been to take my shortcomings and put it out there so others can realize they aren’t alone in their own struggles. While I feel I’m finally approaching a season where I feel the fog lifting, during the past six months, I have felt like I was losing my mind. I would get caught up in the whirlwind of my own thoughts and emotions. It was a vicious cycle that ruled my every waking thought. I have struggled on an (sometimes) hourly basis to distinguish what was reality and what was deception sent from the enemy. I’ve dealt with nausea every morning and throughout the day. I’ve lost weight because I couldn’t bring myself to eat due to the nausea. I felt like those closest to me were talking about me and attempting to sabotage me behind my back. Two months ago things reached a fevered pitch and I found myself nearly crushed under the pressure. I just wanted it all to go away….far, far, away. I just wanted to close myself off from the world and just sleep. Sleep brought me my only relief from reality. I caught myself having illogical thoughts because the heaviness of my emotions were too much to carry. My logical mind told me these thoughts/feelings were wrong but I couldn’t shake the onslaught of constant mental attacks. If prayer were the answer, I would have been healed. If reading my word or fasting were the answer, I would have already received my healing. Nothing helped. “God, where are you?!? I can’t take this any longer!! The noise….so much noise….the….I can’t breathe….I can’t think straight……I can’t take this any longer…..STOP IT!!! JUST, MAKE STOP IT!!!” I finally shared everything with my wife. Honestly, I felt admitting my struggle was showing weakness and I was so ashamed. I’ve always prided myself on being the strong one. I knew my thoughts were illogical but I didn’t have the strength to fight them any longer on my own. But she knew I was struggling. She saw it every day. My attempts at hiding it all were a sad and futile attempt at maintaining what little bit of faux-fortitude I had left.
Wars are fought and lost (or won) in our minds. If the enemy can affect our thoughts he literally has control. We allow our emotions and thoughts to govern how we will respond and that can lead us down some extremely dangerous roads. Anxiety is a real problem. Depression is a real problem. Oppression from the enemy is a real problem. It can affect your physical body. Hiding it does no more than allow it to continue growing in the darkness of our minds like a mold or fungus. The moisture and darkness feed it until it grows into something hard to combat singlehandedly. When I disclosed those things to my wife, it brought things out in the open. What I had attempted to hide couldn’t continue affecting me in the same way because I had someone helping me fight this battle. Hardship hits us all in different forms from time to time. But certain moments can leave us breathless. Even David experienced his fair share of heartaches. We find him crying out to the Lord in the Psalm 55:5-7 as he states, “Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert…” Life just happens. The good. The bad. The [really] ugly. But He is our hope. The Apostle Paul reminds us, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments (some versions use the word “imaginations”) and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…” [2 Corin 10:3-5] As believers, we’re not battling flesh and blood. God has given us the ability, through Him, to pull those things down and rebuke the lies of the enemy floating through our heads. Anything that tries to exalt itself above the power of God MUST come down. It may sound crazy but, during those high pressure moments, as a symbolic gesture I’ve been rolling down the windows in my car and verbally commanding the enemy to get out. Or opening the back door to my home and, again, commanding he get out (my neighbors probably think I’m crazy but, hey, sometimes you’ve have to work harder to cast down those imaginations). Through the power of the Holy Spirit we have to take those thoughts captive and rid ourselves of them. And friends, sometimes we’re not strong enough to do it on our own….and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Battling alone is ignorant. We can do double the work when we have others helping us fight. Are you tired? Feel like you can’t take another step? Frustrated beyond belief? Ashamed of your struggle? Good! Just let go! Literally, release those things to the Lord. It was never your burden to carry anyway. “His yoke is easy and His burden is light.”
Closing remarks and encouragement: Are you struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and more? Please get help! God never intended us to live our lives as an island. I speak from experience when I say, you cannot fight this type of battle alone. Pray for God to direct you towards finding one or more persons you can trust and confide in. Or, just as I’ve done, secure a Christian counselor who can help you maneuver through it all. Then, just spill you guts. Bring those things into the light! Begin the process of releasing it to God. It may have to be a daily, sometimes hourly habit of releasing…but do it! You’re not alone. You’ve never been alone. You’ll never be alone.